Indeed

What is Orientalism? Instead of writing for my log, I sat infront of the laptop and think about something else; something that have bother me since the beginning of this semester. Past, present, future. Why was it so and so and why it is not so and so now? What kind of path way should or will I go in the future? How can he/she like this and that? How can this/ it be like this and so, etc.

Its already week three, time flies. What else can I say. In a while, we'll be saying goodbye to each other and we would probably not know when are we going to meet again. Pathetic. Once, there's someone ever told me that "when its time, you'll know how to face this and you'll start cherish everything and everyone around you". That's true. I kind of start feeling that and doing that too. Yet, somehow; I feel tired of cherish and caring stuff which is only, 'one-sided'. Meaning, most likely, you are the only one who feeling this way. Well, somehow, it works for me. As in, I couldn't bother that much as I have more important stuff to care about. Just that, the feeling isn't good when you started to pause for a while during work and all sort of things came into your mind; that it could actually depressed you and make you think a lot. Guess everyone will have to face it. That's right, when its time, you'll know how to handle it. How I handle this now? Pray.

Been dreaming all kind of weird things these days. Sometimes, would woke up with tears on my pillow and somehow I still feel weird and sad after I woke up. Been hiding all kind of unhappy feelings all these while as I need to be or at least pretend to be strong infront of some people. To let them know that I'm fine. Yet, in the end of the day, who knows my feeling? Myself, Julia Chong. Who else? Of course, God knows. Who else? Those who thought that I am fine, do they? Not knowing why, I learnt and I actually kind of good in ignoring these kind of feelings. Pretending that I'm fine. Yet, I realized that, I couldn't stop from doing works. Once stop, 'they' will come and haunt me. Then I would think "why is this/ why was this happen to me?!".

I have no idea how can I deal with this yet I don't really know who should I consult to. As, indeed, I have no time to deal with all this. Indeed, I just noticed that I actually not feeling happy all this while; since the day I reach Miri. Indeed, I am tired. Indeed, I am unhappy.